The Roles Women Are Defined By
And trust me, there's no place in the world that wants to see us as more than just a wife or mother.
The first time I told my father I wanted to get married there was immediate rejection. He was angry and disappointed. The feeling of hopelessness glared so evidently on his face that I felt guilty of even bringing it up. He wanted me to focus on my education and career, first. He wanted me to be independent before stepping into a marriage. He’d repeatedly tell me how important it was for me to have an identity of my own - one that was not limited to only being a daughter or a wife or a mother. I remember him telling me that I must not see the world from the perspective of a man, but from my own perspective which will only develop once I venture out into the world. At that time, I didn’t understand why my father thought marriage will withhold me from all of this. Years later, I’ve come to understand that my father’s personal experience is what shaped his views. He has lived his entire life seeing women toss away their passions and skills for a life that is chosen for them by their families and/or society. And he wanted different for me.
My father wanted me to wake up every morning feeling accomplished but more than that feeling complete. And although he would tell me I could feel this sense of wholeness by being a wife and/or a mother he would tell me that one day I will wonder why I didn’t pursue my true passions. Why I didn’t try to become someone. I still wonder why in so many cultures, a man is given the liberty and encouragement to be so much more than just a son/husband/father. But a woman is only given the appreciation and recognition of only being a daughter/wife/mother.
The honest truth is, that before we get married we all have a passion. Many times, we bury that passion somewhere deep in the ground hoping that whatever blessing we have at the moment is enough. Most times, we don’t feel a lack of wholeness. But sometimes we do. And we wish we had made something of the skill or passion we were blessed with. I think all the years my dad spent trying to tell me that besides fulfilling the role of a wife and mother, there is something even more important; having a sense of personal identity.
So, before I got married I made my aspirations and goals very clear to my husband. I told him I will give my passions and skills the time and dedication just how he does. Thankfully, he’s been supportive of all my decisions relating to my education and career. After becoming a mother, I had to put my career and education on a hold. My father was right. Marriage and motherhood make everything more difficult. It becomes harder to juggle multiple roles but I’ve learned that it is not impossible. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. When I decided that it was time to resume things, I had the utmost support from my family and my husband. Whenever I need to prepare for an important meeting or get tasks done, I know I can count on my mom and brothers to babysit Noah for a few hours.
With trying to fulfill my roles in both the home and professional realm of my life, I always feel a sense of unwanted guilt linger around. I’ve been reflecting on the past couple of months where this guilt emerges from. I have a set of parents who continuously push me to excel in my career and education. I also have a partner who supports me through all my personal and career endeavors. Yet the guilt of pursuing my own passions and career always seems to surface. Why?
I’m a woman and no matter where I live in the world or what space I step into, I will be at a disadvantage. On every continent, women are given fewer opportunities than men, paid less for the same roles as compared to men, given more household responsibilities than men, etc. Society has drilled into me the notion that if a woman pursues a career or a passion for that matter, that she is doing it at the expense of being a good mother or responsible wife. And I really wish this didn’t have to be the case. Because I really don’t want to be known for only being someone’s wife or someone’s mother. I do not want my identity to be narrowed down to just that. I want to be known for the milestones I achieve in my professional life as well.
I love writing. I love managing projects. I love operations management. My love and passion for these things give me immense happiness and allows me to feel complete. And so does my marriage and my child. I refuse to let anyone tell me that I can’t be successful at both. I have learned to give time to all the things that matter to me. I’ve created a lifestyle for myself that has allowed me to fulfill all my roles unapologetically. I hope others also find a space to coexist with all the things they love. It’s difficult especially when you have so many eyes watching you. So many people ready to scrutinize your efforts of balancing the task of a homemaker and that of a professional. So many people ready to see you fail. But the key is to not let any of the things that are important to you slip away. I’ve understood that giving the things and people I love the time and dedication they require is ultimately what makes me the happiest. So no matter what people say or think, at the end of the day, you gotta do you.