On Grief, Love & Moving Forward
My little reflection after reading Sheryl Sandberg's tribute to her fiancé.
When I was just beginning to figure out my writing career, my husband gifted me the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. To those who are not familiar with Sheryl Sandberg, she’s the first woman to serve on Facebook’s Board of Directors. She works as the Chief Operating Officer at Facebook. I read Lean In when I was pregnant with my firstborn. I felt inspired and motivated to read a book that was dedicated to helping women achieve their ambitions- both related to their careers and personal life. It was just the book I needed to read at the time.
I ended up reading Sandberg’s Option B as well which really kicked me in the feels. Reading about Sandberg’s experience of suddenly losing her husband and the trials she faced to finally come to terms with her reality was something that really left me emotionally drained. I remember taking breaks in between the book. Like week-long breaks because I couldn’t fathom what it must have felt like losing the person you loved most, all of a sudden. And then finding the strength to move forward and that too happily.
Yesterday, I was scrolling my Instagram feed and saw Sandberg post a photo of her and her fiance. I quickly began reading the caption. Then, I clicked the link in her bio. And read the letter. I felt so happy. Genuinely happy for someone I didn’t even meet. And here’s why.
I am part of a society that frowns upon a woman’s right to find love, again. Especially after losing a spouse, or a divorce. I often wonder if women who are forced by societal norms feel guilt to move on from an unfortunate event? I wonder if Sandberg felt it. She must have. It’s a difficult thing to think you can love again after giving your whole self to someone already. Or so we’re taught. What stops us from loving, again?
Death is inevitable and the death of a loved one causes grief. And for however long that grief consumes us, we either learn to live with it by drowning ourselves in its misery or we learn to rise up from it and live happily. I was overcome with joy when I read Sanberg’s heartfelt letter to her fiance because she was describing her journey of falling in love, again. She admits that when her husband died, she “could barely imagine dating again, much less getting married.” She describes being sad that for the rest of her life she would be alone.
But, fate had other plans. Tom walked into her life and she stopped being tired of thinking she would have to be alone. Sandberg says that there will always be grief in her heart for Dave. And that’s something no one can take away from her. Not Tom, not her family, not her friends. I think Sandberg’s ability to understand that “Option B can also be filled with profound happiness” is a lesson for all those who have loved and lost. Option A doesn’t always work. And that’s okay. There’s always Option B.
I believe humans have an innate need for love. It’s unfair to suggest that because someone loses a spouse or is divorced - that they don’t have the right to love, again. I think so many of us just need that lifelong love because it keeps us sane and allows us to keep moving forward and rightfully so. Life is too long of a journey to spend alone and too dreadful to live in grief. I guess we can never prepare for the trials of this life but I think I’ve come to recognize that there are certain constants around us and death, grief, love happen to be some of them.
I’ll end with this quote I read on social media not too long ago,
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.